Hanging out with inhabitants of 'Heaven on Earth', an Oyster Catcher family.

Currently we live in ‘Ego-land’ where ego culture shapes our lives and dictates our behavior. Behavior that attacks, competes, has us being inauthentic and creates a world of lack, defensiveness and fear. Some of us are paying enough attention to notice the destructive culture we live in, a culture that leaves us feeling fearful and oppressed; some of us notice enough to long for a more attractive ‘country’ to live in.
Some of us notice that there is an enticing new ‘country’ appearing. Eckhart Tolle calls it ‘A New Earth‘, I like the name ‘Heaven on Earth‘, a land where ego-type thoughts have no place.

The natives of ‘Heaven on Earth’ have banished their ego and instead they come from love while co-creating dreams based on win/win for all as their life’s purpose.
Although some of us are settling in well to living in ‘Heaven on Earth‘, most of us are not successful migrants yet. We are having trouble adjusting to its ego-less way of behaving and as a result we are still outcasts.

Migrating and adjusting to a new land obviously has its issues; I know.
In my past as a career consultant I often was approached to deal with unsuccessful migrants. They were highly skilled professionals but unable to adjust to New Zealand’s culture, to assimilate and find work. They were hopelessly lost, all self confidence gone and they had become increasingly resentful of New Zealand and what they perceived as its false promises to migrants. For them there was nothing promising about New Zealand at all.

A migrant myself I too had experienced how inaccessible New Zealand can be for foreigners.
As I had transcended the misery and had found ways to adjust to ‘wonderful’ New Zealand, it was me to the rescue.

I will share one of those migrant stories as an analogy for your inability to adjust to ego-less living in ‘Heaven on Earth‘.

He was a Russian nuclear physicist, 40 years old with wife and two young children, 6 and 8 years old. You would expect him to be capable of thinking and being able to assess this new country and find his way in. He wasn’t and he didn’t. 
My strategy was always to get to see the partners together and let them talk first. It gave me a chance to see how they related and what their preoccupations were. 
I observed and listened while he went to town spilling his misery and showing the tension between him and his wife. 
After he had run out of steam and while catching his breath for the next round, I took my chance. 
“What language do you speak at home?”, I asked knowing full well it was Russian as his English conversational vocabulary was limited. This rhetorical question was always worth asking, would he get my drift?
“What language do you -migrant to Ego-less land- speak at home, ego talk?

How had he decided on his job hunting techniques and were they based on his former Russian experience? Another rhetorical question, of course he did it the Russian way, he after all was a physicist from Russia!  Ahum, but, but wasn’t he in New Zealand which firstly is against nuclear power and secondly specialized jobs of high caliber are  few and far between, often a closed shop and only available if you are one of the in-crowd? Well, he would have none of that, he was granted entry and thus there should be a nuclear job for him, period. A man of his caliber did not have to jump through hoops to get a job or accept one of lower professional status. His wife threw me a look and I knew he was a handful for her too.
Can you -migrant to Ego-less land- imagine the question I would ask you on this subject and how you would answer it? Are you forcing results instead of going with the flow knowing there is a bigger plan you have to trust?

How much time did he spend on his job hunting? I expected him to say 24/7 and he didn’t disappoint me.  His search for work had become an obsession leaving no time to relax and enjoy this beautiful country with his wife and children. No time for some peace from his relentless but hopeless pursuit. He also had no time to connect with the community so he could practice conversational English, learn the culture and get to know some New Zealand friends. Of course that left him terribly isolated with nobody to introduce him to New Zealand ways, to soften his Russian temperament and judgments. He just stuck to the same old same old job hunting techniques even if he had no results to show for his efforts. A man of his caliber?! Hmm. 
To put the death nail in his coffin I asked how his wife and children were getting on. He growled; “They are doing fine!” 
No surprises there either AND there was no sign of him paying any attention to what they were doing differently while they successfully settled into their new homeland.
Are you paying attention to how you are adjusting from Ego-land to ‘Heaven on Earth’?

Sometimes I succeeded to guide them through and we parted as friends, sometimes I failed miserably and the migrant returned to a private hell, feeling offended and misunderstood.

There is not much difference between this highly intelligent Russian migrant and those of us who too are seeking to enter a new country, A New Earth, the ego-less ‘Heaven on Earth‘.

It is very much the same process believe it or not.  
I am again transcending my old culture to enter a new one. I once again am learning how to adjust and the WomenLikeMe program is my current vehicle to guide migrants. 
I make people realize once more that they do already live in their new country of choice, ‘Heaven on Earth’, if only they could assimilate and adjust to its way.

If you recognize yourself as a ‘Heaven on Earth’ migrant then check out how you are getting on with assimilation via these questions:

• Are you paying careful attention to the wholesome ‘what is so’ of your daily life?
• Are you practicing at home with your family the new language of love, appreciation and acceptance. Have you given up speaking your old ego language of judgment and attack?
• Are you taking time out to relax, to build faith knowing that all is well and to enjoy everyone and everything around you?

To adjust, you need to hang out with the inhabitants of your new country, you need to emerge yourself into their context and pay attention. To adjust to ‘Heaven on Earth, you need guidance;  you need to be encouraged to practice the ego-less ways.
That is what the WomenLikeMe program and its community can do for you, for less than the price of a latte a day. Your choice!

George still going strong, uplifting and willing to play, showing us his old tractor.

At the end of this Monday’s post; Does the way your talk destruct or create? I invited you to “Notice your own destructive talk when you complain, blame and also watch your tone of voice and your facial expression”. I also said “when you notice it, stop even in mid sentence and apologize.”

What did you notice?

Did you play along? Could you catch yourself, did you notice it at all?  
Observing yourself in the midst of daily flurry and emotions is one of the hardest things to do.
Why is it so hard to notice and observe?
Because how we talk and react is automatic, it is how we have always done it and we know no other way.
So I  invited you to notice something a little less tricky, to notice when another person talks to you in a way that is destructive.

But what about when people and the way they talk, lifts you up.

What about when I ask you to recall a time when you noticed how someone entered the room and lifted the energy in the room with their words, their enthusiasm. Children can do this with their spontaneous excitement and words but not many adults have kept that ability. 
My blind friend George, who does not get distracted by body language, is a master at using his words to lift people up. All George’s friends know that we can count on George to lift us up with his words.
George is not remarkable; what is remarkable is that everyone is NOT doing what George does, lift us up with their conversation.

Joy shared a beautiful example;

I also know when someone criticizes me it is out of fear. Today a close friend was upset with a sailing choice I made and upon my safe return home promptly chewed me out. Instead of saying wow, I care about you and I was very afraid, they berated me.

Instead of sharing his fear AND his joy at Joy successfully returning home from her sailing adventure which would have been a conversation that lifted Joy up, she got a berating. Does this sound familiar?
To Joy’s credit she went on to say:

It is my choice to then allow that to build in my response, or to release it, as I did and address and heal the fear behind it. I can still be creative on my end, even if destructive is thrown at me.

Joy is so correct, after being berated, it is her conscious choice whether she goes to her defense and speaks words of attack or does as she did; “address and heal the fear behind it.” But that requires consciousness and not being on automatic. Awareness that can be obtained by observing and more observing how we conduct our own conversations and how we use the power of words. Joy obviously has practiced her observing of herself and others.

How often has this happened to you, you having let fly with your upset and fears only to have the other person lift you up, address your fears and heal with their creative words of love and acceptance? 
I bet you, when it ever has happened, then you would be like me, brought to tears by that unexpected kindness and acceptance.

The kitchen renovation happened peacefully and joyfully as a result of our conversations.

John and I celebrated our 10th anniversary. It was good to acknowledge how great we are together. I give my advanced skills in creative conversation a lot of credit for allowing us to do so many wonderful things with so much peace and joy between us.

Conversations make or break how your life goes, conversations create!

I have recently had a chance to see how far I have come. 
We have been selling our house again. We tried before and on the very day our house went on the market the whole economy collapsed. Nice! Recently we tried to sell it again. 
I must admit that I was a bit apprehensive. I had to work hard to keep my troublesome Little Voice’s destructive conversations in rein. You can imagine our delight when the house sold within two weeks to two women who loved the house just as much as we did.  We once again created a win/win result peacefully and joyfully.

Until a phone call from the solicitor.
There was a problem and the house was NOT yet sold unconditionally. Yikes.
THAT was when my calm bubble broke, panic struck and my Little Voice’s destructive conversation DID win.

The solicitor needed some contact details and I could not find them. I became more and more worked up and that is how my Little Voice got me. While I was distracted by my Little Voice’s destructive conversation about how things never could work out this easy, how I was sure we must have done something wrong to have this happen and blah blah blah, I could not think straight and come up with an useful solution. I did not call John to come and help, I did not think of ending the call and ringing the solicitor back. I ended up giving him the wrong information and feeling like a fool, totally buying into that nothing can go smoothly.
After that phone call I went looking for John to tell him the news.
Having heard me out John answered that he would have liked to talk to the solicitor. I immediately knew that he was not pleased with how I handled the situation. I wasn’t either.
From feeling a fool and being upset about the whole situation, I had two choices. Indulging in my upset and letting my Little Voice go for a conversation that destructs or going for a conversation that creates by NOT giving my Little Voice free rein.

The conversation that destructs would have been totally driven by my ego who only sees its own side instead of the wholesome ‘what is so’. 
I would have seen John’s comment as an attack and I would have gone straight into defense mode; “I am not an idiot you know, I can do something too IF certain people in this house kept things in order. All he wanted was some information and excuse me, how come the correct details were not there, Mr ‘I am always right’?
On and on I would rave, complaining, accusing, dragging up the past and generally undermining John’s goodwill, competence AND the positive outcome of the sale.  
I would be shooting down my biggest ally, John and losing sight of the most important and relevant topic of all . . . the solicitor’s request and correcting my mistake.
My conversation would cause a delayed contact with the solicitor to correct wrong information AND very unpleasant ill feelings towards each other. What a result!
All that negativity created by my conversation.  I know this well as this was how my conversations created mayhem in my first marriage.

But as I said, I have progressed  so my creative conversation went like this.
I know by now that I better not listen to my Little Voice’s conversation as it never adds value. So while I lapsed and listened to it during the phone call, I corrected that and listened carefully to John instead. That had me focus on the wholesome ‘what is so’ away from my narrow ego point of view.
“Yes, I could have done it differently, point taken with no offense.”
“Yes, I am responsible for my own contact details and yes I can take this as a reminder to keep my details up to date and be in-integrity.”
“Yes John, I listen to your intent, you want to make a win/win happen and yes we have both agreed you are the one dealing with all the legal issues. NOT because I am an idiot but because you are the best person for the job. Therefore I’d better let you handle phone calls next time and now I let you get on with the job while I get out of the way.”
Within a few minutes the issue was sorted; we got peacefully on with the day, fully knowing that we respect each other and I got an experience I can learn from.

This is how quality conversations are creating our joyful life.
I have found it take guts AND commitment to change a conversation style. Although the benefits are quite spectacular, old habits and pride seem often to be in our way.  

If you are hearing what I am saying here you can get a taste for what I have been talking about by these two actions;

• Find someone who always makes you feel down or uneasy in their company. Observe how they talk to you or others so you can experience destructive conversation in action.
• Notice your own destructive talk when you complain, blame and also watch your tone of voice and your facial expression. When you notice it, stop even in mid sentence and apologize.

On WomenLikeMe we are very aware of how we create our lives with how we talk. If you care too about how you are the cause in the matter and you are in a position to join WomenLikeMe, I’d say join us and MAKE that difference in your life.

Thanks to support with my 'self care' I am now harvesting these pears AND my happiness.

Last week I talked on Peggy Nolan’s The Stepmom’s Toolbox Radio Show about martyrdom. I have included the link as all her and co-host Erin’s radio shows are available for downloads so you can still listen to them. That is a great win as they cover heaps of issues every woman struggles with.

What hit home afterwards was that we have become so isolated, so alone in our quest for a way out of our misery. It is sad to see how little support we are getting. We all seem to be yearning for guidance and wisdom from other women we love and trust to make sense of the things in life that do not seem to be right. Like never being acknowledged, not knowing where to put our love as it often gets thrown back into our faces or misused and last but not least we do not even know how to take care of ourselves.

Has it ever been different?  Were there times when we had access to wise women who could help us out?

And that got me dreaming.

In my dream I saw a scene going way back in time.  I saw women being together at the village ‘well’ while doing their laundry.
They looked relaxed and out to have a good time while doing what was needed to be done.
Then a youngish woman walked up, joining the group. She looked tired and harassed while dragging two children along behind her.

I noticed that the women stopped and everybody let their warm gaze fall upon the approaching figure, paying her full attention when she joined them. They inquired in gentle tones, obviously desiring to gain insight into what was going on for her. The young woman blossomed under their loving attention, willingly answering and in turn intently listening as the women responded.
The scene oozed love, attention, closeness and connectedness. 
While the talking was going on amongst these loving trusting women who knew each other so intimately, another woman entertained the children, giving her uninterrupted time to sort out whatever was  bothering her.  At the end of my dream I saw her walking home, a different woman with two happy children walking beside her.

There have been many times in my life when I yearned for this support. Those were times when life was leaving me feeling depleted; when I was devoid of all joy and felt totally alone. Where were the women who would instantly see something was wrong, who could put a stop to my misconceptions that had me act in a way that wore me out? Where was that loving community of wise knowing women for whom  I would not, could not hide what was going on for me? Where was that support that I trusted to get me back to who I AM.

That dream hung around for days and it made me immensely sad that most of us are feeling the loss of that resource. Today most women are left to their own devices in their own private little houses doing the laundry alone, struggling to make sense of their full on, complicated lives. Most of us are not getting very far on our own with making sense of whom to lavish our love onto, how to take care of ourselves and how to make a happy family.

I myself have moved to the other side of the world, made new friends, but friends who did not know me intimately as the village women would know me and I did not know them. They did not know my struggles and I did not know theirs either. They did not see how in my home my family walked all over me and even if they did notice, they had no idea how to talk to me or how to correct me .  Most struggled with the same issues anyway.

BUT what the radio talk also did was give me an immense relief that things are changing for us women who know that things are not right but have no resource to turn to.

I see ‘virtual watering wells’ showing up all over the place, my program WomenLikeMe is one, Peggy Nolan’s  The Stepmom’s Toolbox Radio Show is another one and there are many more. Although we do not know each other personally at those ‘wells’, we know our struggles intimately. I feel connectedness, I warm myself in the love of women who participate.
What is more, our collective wisdom that has been suppressed for so long gets encouraged to rise and speak up and I see women blossoming once more, me included.

It is moving to see the preparedness and commitment of women who come together to make the change in themselves. It was inspiring to hear Erin so courageously sharing her confusion on the radio show with how to deal with her own powerlessness and misconceptions about her role within the current complex stepfamily architecture. Her sharing added so much and must have touched many of us in recognition.

Most of us are still fumbling to find ways to do things differently, to do things in a way that relieves us from that inner turmoil that screams to us that things are NOT right the way they are. 
Although not always knowing who to trust and what to believe after having so often been fooled by mighty egos, at least we are doing something. At least some of us are prepared to come to the well and respond to each other’s committed inquiry about how life could be done differently, how we could become a strong joyful basecamp.

Those women’s courage and commitment fills me with joy and encourages me to keep opening myself to new wisdom that lifts my heart. It encourages me to keep sharing my experiences with doing things differently and to keep learning with and from other loving women on our learning program called WomenLikeMe. 
WomenLikeMe is my business AND it is my life.

The program and its 13 topics are about self-care, it is about taking yourself serious enough to work on becoming a strong, joyful basecamp. As a consequence of reading this post I would love you to have a look at the self-care you allow yourself.

• What is your weak point when it comes to managing your own self-care?
• How many people do you have in your life who strongly encourage you to look after yourself and are actually helping you to achieve that?
• Would you dare to spend $3 per day which is the price of joining WomenLikeMe to become a strong basecamp so you can look after your loved ones in far healthier ways? How many people would be generous enough to encourage you to spend that on yourself?

I know that I am openly promoting WomenLikeMe with this post but it is time that I get over my shyness and start telling you what is on offer. I realize that I am not doing anybody a favor by keeping it quiet thanks to emails from some lovely women, thank you!
I am on my own program and it is making a difference. I am living in the most amazing place in nature, because of it.  I have created a relationship that is making me fly, because of it. I have become a woman I am proud of, because of it. I can stand tall in front of my daughters despite all my mistakes, because of it. I am sharing my journey what happened to me because of the program and you can judge for yourself what is possible.

All I ask is that you take a look at your life and feel that you are worth $3 a day. If you are then give WomenLikeMe a go for a month and see for yourself. We need to do something together to become the change we want to see.

Finally listening to John beyond my ego about what is possible with the kitchen bench top.

I had an awesome time explaining ‘listening beyond ego’ on my first radio appearance on  The Stepmom’s Toolbox Radio Show about Death to Martyrdom. It is a show all women should listen to as the ego plays havoc with the listening of martyrs. By saying all this I am surpassing my ego who says; “Oh stop showing off.” However my heart centered self is proud and very grateful to Peggy and Erin for this chance to speak up! Ha, take that ego!

It is amazing that we are doing ‘it’ all the time and yet we know so little about what we are doing when that ‘it’ is listening.
At least that is my personal  impression and from your comments this week to Monday’s post; Listening beyond what your ego wants to hear it is your impression as well.

You all had various takes on my declaration that:

The ego doesn’t actually listen. The ego judges and projects.  Do not be fooled, the ego will never be capable of any quality listening. Never and thus we hardly ever access the wholesome ‘what is so’ of the people around us.

SuZen acknowledged; “I have many stories of my ego’s talent for taking over my thoughts to the extent that I hear nothing else.” Oh SuZen your ability to observe is superb and probably the death of that overbearing ego behavior.

Erin shared; “sounds like me not really listening, and hearing only what I want to and what serves my ego.”

Whereas Megan saw it as a case of; “hearing beyond our own agenda, and sensing the intention behind someone else’s words.”

Thank you Peggy for sharing a real example of how you heard your husband beyond what you already ‘know’ about him. You ‘know’ that he is a very capable and competent father, but it took something else to also hear;

Richard is doubting his role as father – “have I taught Junior all that he needs to know in life?” “have I been a good father?”

And to arrive at;

Understanding where my husband is coming from – that it’s important for Junior to have an emotional anchor here.

So it all went beyond just; “I want his damn bed out of here and that is it.” Oh Peggy, what a misery could that have caused, I do not even dare to go there and yet so many of us just destruct because we can not go any further than our ego point of view.
Congratulations, for simple as it may sound in your story, it is not easily achieved. If it was we would not be experiencing the issues that Belinda succinctly brings to our attention;

One thing I’ve noticed is I’m very good at discerning when I’m not being heard. But when it comes to me really listening, boy, I do get checkmated, especially with those closest to me. It’s not that I’m unwilling to hear. It’s not that I’m not making an effort. It is, however, a bit like those survival instincts get triggered and suddenly, I feel I need to fend for myself. I feel like I need first to be listened to before I can fully listen. And maybe that’s it. I need to feel heard in order to hear. Maybe it’s simpler than I think.

“I need to feel heard in order to hear.” Yes I believe it is that straight forward and yet it isn’t. I too have noticed that as I feel more heard by John, I hear him better as well. This feeling of being heard is such a delicious experience, I bubble with joy and love when it is happening.  My favorite definition of ‘love’ is; the act of allowing, listening and accepting someone just as they are, not as you ‘know’ or ‘want’ them to be, but just as they are in this moment of now.

Loving and listening to our self is the same; listening to our self just as we are and I am NOT referring to our ego self, but to our heart centered self  just as it is.

Robb shares a beautiful story of how nature is teaching him to listen beyond what he ‘knows’ when he said;

Traveling in the mountains it took me awhile to adjust my ability to Listen away from the world out here, and to begin to accept and understand that what I was hearing was true and real nature, and that there was no need for me to equate these sounds to something man made in my world out here. The fluttering of a leaf or tree branch, or mountain grasses blowing in the wind, or the drip of a new born stream, there is no need for me to FIND a reason for these sounds, they just are part of my environment. So learning that, and continuing to, has made my focus when listening out here so much better. I shut up, I stop formulating a perceived response in my head, and I listen.

Nature does not attach meaning or words to the sounds it makes; there is no ‘perceived response’ in nature . It is a useful word ‘perceived’, it says what we typically do when we do ego listening. As Megan says this process of listening beyond what the ego already ‘knows’, what it judges and projects takes practice, surrender and love.
And we need to practice with others who can help us to go beyond the ego. I could not with my ex husband but I can with John and only a few other people in my life.
Therefore we need to be careful who we practice with and on WomenLikeMe we have created a space to practice and be guided in listening beyond ego.
And to remind you of my first radio appearance, here is the link to The Stepmom’s Toolbox Radio Show about Death to Martyrdom. It is a show all women should listen to as the ego plays havoc with the listening of martyrs. Enjoy and give your ego hell!