Hanging out with inhabitants of 'Heaven on Earth', an Oyster Catcher family.
Currently we live in ‘Ego-land’ where ego culture shapes our lives and dictates our behavior. Behavior that attacks, competes, has us being inauthentic and creates a world of lack, defensiveness and fear. Some of us are paying enough attention to notice the destructive culture we live in, a culture that leaves us feeling fearful and oppressed; some of us notice enough to long for a more attractive ‘country’ to live in.
Some of us notice that there is an enticing new ‘country’ appearing. Eckhart Tolle calls it ‘A New Earth‘, I like the name ‘Heaven on Earth‘, a land where ego-type thoughts have no place.
The natives of ‘Heaven on Earth’ have banished their ego and instead they come from love while co-creating dreams based on win/win for all as their life’s purpose.
George still going strong, uplifting and willing to play, showing us his old tractor.
At the end of this Monday’s post; Does the way your talk destruct or create? I invited you to “Notice your own destructive talk when you complain, blame and also watch your tone of voice and your facial expression”. I also said “when you notice it, stop even in mid sentence and apologize.”
What did you notice?
Did you play along? Could you catch yourself, did you notice it at all?
Observing yourself in the midst of daily flurry and emotions is one of the hardest things to do.
Why is it so hard to notice and observe?
Because how we talk and react is automatic, it is how we have always done it and we know no other way.
So I invited you to notice something a little less tricky, to notice when another person talks to you in a way that is destructive.
But what about when people and the way they talk, lifts you up.
The kitchen renovation happened peacefully and joyfully as a result of our conversations.
John and I celebrated our 10th anniversary. It was good to acknowledge how great we are together. I give my advanced skills in creative conversation a lot of credit for allowing us to do so many wonderful things with so much peace and joy between us.
Conversations make or break how your life goes, conversations create!
I have recently had a chance to see how far I have come.
We have been selling our house again. We tried before and on the very day our house went on the market the whole economy collapsed. Nice! Recently we tried to sell it again.
I must admit that I was a bit apprehensive. I had to work hard to keep my troublesome Little Voice’s destructive conversations in rein. You can imagine our delight when the house sold within two weeks to two women who loved the house just as much as we did. We once again created a win/win result peacefully and joyfully.
Until a phone call from the solicitor.
There was a problem and the house was NOT yet sold unconditionally. Yikes.
THAT was when my calm bubble broke, panic struck and my Little Voice’s destructive conversation DID win.
Thanks to support with my 'self care' I am now harvesting these pears AND my happiness.
Last week I talked on Peggy Nolan’s The Stepmom’s Toolbox Radio Show about martyrdom. I have included the link as all her and co-host Erin’s radio shows are available for downloads so you can still listen to them. That is a great win as they cover heaps of issues every woman struggles with.
What hit home afterwards was that we have become so isolated, so alone in our quest for a way out of our misery. It is sad to see how little support we are getting. We all seem to be yearning for guidance and wisdom from other women we love and trust to make sense of the things in life that do not seem to be right. Like never being acknowledged, not knowing where to put our love as it often gets thrown back into our faces or misused and last but not least we do not even know how to take care of ourselves.
Has it ever been different? Were there times when we had access to wise women who could help us out?
Finally listening to John beyond my ego about what is possible with the kitchen bench top.
I had an awesome time explaining ‘listening beyond ego’ on my first radio appearance on The Stepmom’s Toolbox Radio Show about Death to Martyrdom. It is a show all women should listen to as the ego plays havoc with the listening of martyrs. By saying all this I am surpassing my ego who says; “Oh stop showing off.” However my heart centered self is proud and very grateful to Peggy and Erin for this chance to speak up! Ha, take that ego!
It is amazing that we are doing ‘it’ all the time and yet we know so little about what we are doing when that ‘it’ is listening.
At least that is my personal impression and from your comments this week to Monday’s post; Listening beyond what your ego wants to hear it is your impression as well.
You all had various takes on my declaration that:
The ego doesn’t actually listen. The ego judges and projects. Do not be fooled, the ego will never be capable of any quality listening. Never and thus we hardly ever access the wholesome ‘what is so’ of the people around us.
SuZen acknowledged; “I have many stories of my ego’s talent for taking over my thoughts to the extent that I hear nothing else.” Oh SuZen your ability to observe is superb and probably the death of that overbearing ego behavior.
Well Wilma, you have done it again with your post All Conversations are not Equal in Intimacy. You have clearly explained how conversations work, how ’social integration’ is necessary and useful but very limiting when it comes to intimacy and deepening our shared understanding of each other.
Not only in our daily interactions with others, but here on this blog as well. When someone like Wilma shares intimately about her relationships with her daughters and her first husband, it creates the space for others to share intimately as well.
Our holiday in Vietnam! My daughter and I made it happen by intimate conversations.
Wow, I am excited by all the conversations that have sprung up around listening, making requests, right of refusal and questions.
What an awesome way to deal with these elements of this WomenLikeMe topic called ‘How to Create our World through Conversation’.
Ann-Marie and I have certainly had our hands full with this topic and its practices and we thank you all for your commenting, as it validates for us that this is not as simple as it seems.
I find it very exciting to finally see HOW I can now choose to manifest a great base camp by connecting intimately with my sponsors or HOW I can choose to ignore my lack of conversation skills and thus continue to go it alone and stay small.
It is useful to realize that through conversation;
- we make things happen
- we get through the day
- we sort out our relationships
Hi everyone. Thanks so much for sharing your observations and experiences with asking questions in response to Wilma’s post this week.
It was so cool to read that Peggy, armed with her questions was off to do a radio interview with her husband’s ex-wife, to talk about the relationship between ex-wives and step moms. A very real example of intimacy being present rather than distance. Wouldn’t it be great if all ex-relationships were like yours Peggy!
I noticed that several of your comments gave Wilma suggestions on how to improve her relationship with John’s parents. And with the exception of Megan, no one actually asked Wilma any questions to further their understanding of the situation. Questions like; what did you do about it, do they know you better now, is it still a problem???
Huummm.
John built this boat by asking questions.
When I first met John’s parents I expected at least some questions.
But I got none.
Not getting a single question made me feel really uneasy; it made me feel unwelcome, as if they did not care about me, as if I did not count.
Of course they cared but the fact that they never asked anything made it very hard for me to give them some information about the woman their son was living with.
How do you volunteer information about yourself when not invited by questions?
Thus they got to know very little about me.
So how can they relate to me when I am virtually a stranger to them?
How can we create any intimacy and personal relatedness when there is nothing to talk about other than the weather and the color of the blooming bougainvillea?
Hi everyone. Thanks for your thoughts on listening in response to Wilma’s post this week. It looks like Wilma has opened up a topic that has some interesting contradictions and many layers to peel back.
We listen every day, many of us are trained at it and do it for our work and yet Tess said similar to Joy who shared that; “only one person in my own life has been an active listener.”
Zeenat went on to say; “I’m still searching for that great listener.”
I’d love to hear more examples of how listening has made such a difference that, as Tess says, these people stand out “head and shoulders above the rest.” In these sharings of how listening has made a difference, we can be inspired by what is possible for all of us.
Robin, thank you for sharing how listening makes a difference for you. Your words revealed something that I’d never thought was possible:
Walking, talking and listening.
Listening is a very powerful skill.
I, as base camp benefit hugely from excellent listening skills as they create intimacy and a shared understanding with my sponsors. And listening ultimately allows for coordinating effective actions that make me fly.
I can finally confess that I can do something very well after having unraveled my struggle with requests.
I am very well trained in it professionally.
I also have the advantage that I love observing and observing is definitely part of listening.
I adore getting a handle on what is going on, I guess it also served me to become a perfect people pleaser.
I listen with my senses. I listen with my ears, my heart, my eyes, my smell and my intuition.
I listen with all of me and the information I gather that way is quite extensive and often unique.
Listening can make or break a relationship and being careless with our listening can have huge negative consequences.
No is an acceptable response to a request
Thanks guys for playing with us and sharing your examples with making requests and your issues with saying and hearing ‘no’.
I think we probably can identify with Tess and her picking up her husbands shoes. As she shared
For the first 5 years of our marriage I requested and commanded he pick up his shoes. Of course he didn’t. So I picked them up for him but I griped loudly the entire time.
A few years went by and I no longer griped but I had the victim “attitude.” Yet I kept picking them up.
Then after another few years I noticed one day I was picking up his shoes and did it matter of factly. No longer upset by his not taking care of his shoes.
Then one day I became grateful that I had the opportunity to pick up his shoes and I became grateful that he was in my life.
The bottom line for me concerning the shoes was “Do I want to be happy or right?”
I decided happy!
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