No prolonged martyrdom here. After 17 days baby left home!

Despite my great mom I have been a martyr.
The first time I really got to see how ugly and stupid my martyrdom really was, I was in a state of shock.
I could not stop crying.
Real martyrs are effective and courageous while being a stand for a cause they firmly believe in.
True I did believe in a cause, a happy, close knit family but instead of a courageous fighter, I saw that I was a whimpering doormat, suffering to arouse sympathy with my feeble and ineffective attempts.
Oh to see that hard cold truth was incredibly confronting. Seeing I was an ineffective whimpering doormat shook me to the core.

I hate to say this, but most of us are whimpering doormats instead of courageous martyrs taking a firm stand for a happy family.

A family can only be guided to happiness by a strong happy basecamp.
I as a surrogate martyr – a doormat- only ‘keeps the peace’ at all cost, MY costs at MY expense.
‘ Keeping the peace’ is not about happiness but indicates a state of war and is about adversary.
Adversary drains us as just as much as living in a war zone does, so no wonder martyrs are tired.
Think about that!

That initial shock was a very strong incentive to give up my so called martyrdom and I  learned that martyrdom IS a complex thing to give up.

The cause of having our families be happy is a good one BUT the assumptions of martyrs as to what is required to have the family be happy are seriously flawed.
I share some of  what I have found out and I hope to God that it gets you thinking about your martyrdom too.

Martyrdom does NOT make happy families.

Martyrdom is about ‘keeping peace’ and suggests that you are in  an unfavorable situation, think about that!
Martyrdom is exhausting and had me die inside.
It makes me grumpy and a kill joy killing happiness instead of encouraging it!?
Contrary to what a martyr believes, standing up for yourself by setting boundaries is NOT selfish or a sign of being a wicked witch.
While I knew my martyrdom days were over,  I still judged my sister in law who did set boundaries as harsh, unkind, dictatorial and even unlovable. Secretly I thought that my children loved me more than her children loved her. It didn’t help that my husband’s family talked negatively about her and her strict ways, as she set boundaries around her husband as well. On his days off he got given chores, how unfair!?
You can see why I said martyrdom is a complex thing to give up!?

For a martyr children are impressive opponents. They are takers, they have to as long as they are dependent. So they take as much as they can, relentlessly and incessantly and unlike the baby bird they go on UNTIL somebody says “STOP”.
They can even display this ‘right’ of being indulged well into their adulthood UNTIL you wean them off ‘that milk’ as well!
That was a huge lesson for me as I used to keep on giving and giving to ‘keep the peace’, because kids do not take it lightly when they are being told “NO MORE”. They quickly learn to fight dirty and ruthlessly too.  
“Oh mom, I do not love you anymore when you are like that, dad/gran/aunty is so much nicer.”
And for the gazillions of stepmom martyrs that are now around this one must be a killer; “Well, you are NOT my real mother and you cannot tell me anything.”
I found it hard to believe how ruthless children can be, but be aware.  They go for broke although it is not them who is getting broke.
No wonder that any initial  feeble attempts on my part had no impact on such ‘worthy’ opponents, they needed a very strong “NO MORE”  and I needed to learn that in order to survive.

In my case it did not help either that I did not know how to solicit the support of my (now ex) husband, which I thought should be my biggest ally. Mistaken assumption here too!
Besides being a taker himself, he was a control freak and his way of dealing with the children was not mine.
We could not talk at all about how to handle the children and without a supportive relationship it is impossible for a martyr to give it up. 
I have also seen men being martyrs and push-overs and with two martyrs there is no show to get boundaries established. The children will win all the time.

Martyrs need to understand and be encouraged to access the ‘male’ energy in them, it is that energy that in the end allowed me to hold my ground without taking the attacks from the kids personally.
It is the ‘male’ energy within me that has me set boundaries and has me follow through with consequences when my ‘no’ gets challenged.
It is obvious that recovering martyrs like me needed support to do that and I never got it in my first marriage.
I did not realize that I could have looked for support from other women when I could not get it from my ex-husband.
Isolated as I was in those days, where was the person who could give me guidance about my destructive habits, who could explain what was going on?

As I said it takes some doing to let go of this complex thing called martyrdom aka whimpering doormat syndrome.
Life and you are unrecognizable once you let go of doormatism though and I am adamant that the WomenLikeMe program will eradicate it out of every member’s life.

Part of letting go of martyrdom is learning to set boundaries and facing up to some tough actions .
I invite you to;

• decide what boundaries you would like to set.
• decide what consequences you will follow through with when getting challenged. Choose one you are prepared to implement 100% and will not back down from.
• get support with your implementation because never underestimate your opponents!

Another action I recommend is to take this martyrdom seriously and join me on the WomenLikeMe program to rigorously work on making your basecamp strong and eradicate martyrdom once and for all. You must know by now that I am itching to support you.

Rotterdam, past city life that now only exists in my thoughts.

This Monday’s post; ‘Giving myself a second chance in life‘ was one of the most interesting posts I’ve written. Interesting because the idea that the past does not exist, the idea that it only exists as thoughts in our heads and nothing more, flies in the face of what we have always been taught, what seems to be as obvious as the world is round. So you can imagine my joy, not only at your comprehension but that you deepened this inquiry still further.

SuZen gave us a very clear example of what her life would look like if her past was still living on as thoughts in her daily life when she said:

I was abused as a child, had a VERY heartbreaking succession of gut wrenching sagas. To cling to ANY of that – in any way – does me absolutely NO good, not physically, mentally or emotionally. The thoughts of those stories can fester for decades, all the while depriving us of being who were are meant to be and short changing some relationships. I am SO blessed to have packed the stories up and abandoned them as having any connection to me and my life today.

I thank Eckhart Tolle’s books; ‘The Power of Now’ and ‘A New Earth’ for both his explanation that the past can only be kept alive by our thoughts and also his clarity in alerting us to the cost of bringing our past thoughts into the ‘now’. I agree with him that a new earth is only possible once we let go of our clinging need for the past to validate us.

Chris captured our ‘need for identity’ as the driver for hanging on to past as a form of validation;

it’s difficult to let go of constantly rehashing old moments that we cringe about. I get the sense that these moments of guilt or humiliation give us a perversely comforting sense of identity — at least they allow us to say “oh, I know who I am, I’m that guilty jerk.” Letting go of the need to have an identity — to know all these facts about who I supposedly am — can be such a liberating experience,

Dayle too recognized the culprit;

…boy did my ego rear up it’s ugly head! My ego said “What do you mean you have to let go of those stories? Those stories define you! You are that sad little girl who was abused by her mother. You are the survivor of a divorce and your failed relationship(s) contributed to who you are today. You can’t let go of those things. They are you.

Yes ego, how right you are, those past based thoughts define you ego and yes; “you can’t let go of those things” because if you did, you ego would die and ego doesn’t want to die!!!

Lisa added further clarity by saying;

I feel it is the essence of the spiritual journey. In a way, that freedom to follow a story or not, to let it take hold of us or let it go, is the ultimate [act of] free will. And the story is karma, it is what we really mean when we talk about karma. And we can move beyond karma. We do not have to be beholden to it, we can be free of it…  And when we are ultimately able to let go of all the stories, we can see our true, ultimate selves – ourselves as divine source, as enlightenment itself. The spiritual journey is a shedding of stories that kept us tied to the past, and to a fixed idea of ourselves.

Sounds good to me; free of karma, free to see our true self, our self as divine source, free of any and all fixed ideas of self.
Erin too sees letting go the past as a spiritual journey involving forgiveness; forgiving ourselves and all that has gone before.

We are treading a fine line in this conversation between theory and practical daily life. Theory is all very well but what is different in daily life? Sara’s example caught that for us with her mother and daughter example;

one night she [my mom] shared her fears about going on her first date with a man she really liked. I was only about sixteen and just starting to date, myself. We shared our uncertainties and I even gave her advice about what to wear:~) It was the first time I remember seeing my mom as a woman, like me, and not just my mom. I’ve never forgotten that time. Perhaps our daughters will reach this moment and see us as the women we are now.

To see our mothers as woman requires being present to who they are today and letting go of our fixed past thoughts of  ‘mom’.

Aysel further alerted us to the potential the past has to recreate itself in our daughters when she recounted her story;

My sister first feeds her husband and kids, then sits down to eat herself claiming she has to finish up after them anyway. What kind of a lesson will her children learn from that – that Mom’s needs are the last to be satisfied?

We can just see that her daughter’s role model is very clear; as mother I come last. What is even sadder about situations like this is that they come from love, from doing what seems the best but unaware that daughters are watching, absorbing and saving these memories to be trotted out when their turn to be ‘mother’ comes around.

To see the past for what it is and let it go, to let go of our ego and the seemingly endless cycle of karma, to as Tolle says; “bring about a new earth”, is in my opinion the most important opportunity we can offer our children.

Again I invite you to embrace the practice from the Monday post and observe how often your thoughts go back to the past and how often you talk about the past. Observing how the past has a hold on you is the first step to letting it go.

A useful second step (even if you have already read them) is to read Tolle’s books; ‘The Power of Now’ and ‘A New Earth’.

PS I am taking a break from posting for two weeks to enjoy the last of the Golden Weather here in New Zealand. I will next post on Monday April 12.

Mothers and daughters having fun. I work on a future possibility to have this happen more often.

From writing the last few posts I can see how important it is to take myself  seriously.
I can see how it changes my role as a mother and how it makes me proudly accept that I am a woman creating change. 
I even dare to acknowledge what the Dalai Lama has  said about us, Western Women; how we will save the world.

I am a Western Women and so are my daughters. 
I am absolutely certain that I want to give them a new earth, I do want them to live life differently. I  want them to have a chance to be one of those women who create change.
And to have that happen, I am prepared to learn like crazy all the things I now know that I need to learn, unlearn and relearn.
One of those things I have learned is letting go of the past so I can role model that to my daughters.

But in families and relationships it is difficult to let go of the past and start afresh.

As you know by now, my relationship with one of my daughters is colored by past stories. 
She feels I have failed as a mother during the divorce and she firmly believes I owe her for that time of suffering. 
She has taken on the victim role and the victim status her stories provides.

I do agree that during the divorce I certainly was not at my best and I certainly wasn’t the caring mother I wished I had been while I was sorting myself out.
I too had stories. Stories that could make your heart break, stories that could let me off the hook and would give me all the sympathy in the world.  
It has been very tempting to hold on to those heart breaking stories as an excuse when confronted with the mess from the past. But what would have been the point of that? 
Instead I feel lucky that I learned from that experience and moved on rather than stay stuck in old stories.
I have clarity, I am standing up for myself. I am having a life in which I count as well; I have learned to accept that I am a good mother and that it is okay to make mistakes.

I have completed with the past, I have let go that I did something wrong and I am no longer buying into thoughts that I still have to do penance.
The past has no longer an emotional pull, it no longer predetermines what I do and what I do not do with that gorgeous daughter of mine.
With her clinging to the past she is missing out on a great mother-daughter relationship and if I too would let the past haunt me, we would never have a chance to appreciate each other again. And what chance would she have to live life differently?

This is what WomenLikeMe on Time and Completion has to say about the past;

What we refer to as the ‘past’ is only a memory, which are thoughts or a conversation about those thoughts. 
If we do not think or talk about the past then it does not exist.  
The past only comes into existence when we reminisce, complain, gossip or repeat the same thoughts about oneself and others over and over again. 
Although the past is well and truly over, the past still holds us hostage. 
As our ‘reactions’ are influenced by our past, we are hardly ever capable to freely choose our actions in the now and ‘pro-actively’ create a different future, a second chance.

With this new understanding that the past is only a ‘thought’, I have learned to stop my thoughts about the past intruding into the now.
I can freshly approach each moment that I am in contact with my daughter, I am free to decide what would be best for us giving the immediate circumstances in the ‘now’. 
If she says ‘yes’ to my proposition to do something together that is fine and the times that she says ‘no’ that is fine too.
A ‘no’ no longer has me slinking back with my tail between my legs reliving the past with my thoughts about how horrible it all has been.

And that is freedom.
It has been interesting to notice how laden mother and daughter relationships are and how the past  interferes, stopping many of us from creating something new, something that is a win/win for both of us.  What a waste.

All the stories you have heard about me and my daughters have been driven by my desire to break a pattern that was set when we were under-developed and did not know what we were doing. 
To give those past based  stories such power is sad and unacceptable in my new books. 
Living life differently is creating fresh possibilities; fresh possibilities  we can only see because we have learned new skills and we have been willing to let go of the filters of the past. 

Now that thoughts from the past are not coming up,  I am now able to give myself that second chance, a chance to do things differently for me and my daughters.
I am sharing all that I have discovered here and more in depth on WomenLikeMe so we all are able to get a precious second chance to become and act like the woman we potentially can be.
As we clean up our own life, we inadvertently clean up the world.
I am convinced this is what the Dalai Lama meant when he said; “Western Women will save the world”. 
It starts with us and our children, with us and our cleaned up relationships within our family.
That is why I love having you join me, either on this blog or on WomenLikeMe, our learning community; I am delighted because we are doing something and doing it together.

I and this blog are about doing things differently to become the change you want to see. 
As well as distinguishing what is causing the confusing, I offer suggestions as to how you can change from confusion to clarity in your daily doing;

• Observe how often your thoughts go back to the past and how often you talk about the past.
• Observe your reluctance to let go of feeling bad about past mistakes and how that feeling stops you from being in the present.
• This week forgive yourself immediately when you make a mistake, any mistake will do. See what that takes and how much energy you save when you no longer dwell on mistakes.
  Hmm, that is a good one. I mistakenly published this draft two weeks ago and boy did I have a job forgiving myself and NOT go to the past and dwell on all the other mistakes I have made.

To speak as Joy does; let’s all stand ’shoulder to shoulder’. Let’s work together on being the change we want to see.

Completion; John's Dad being showered with love.

“Completion brings harmony to your life and to relationships.
Completion is a great way to unclutter your world and your mind.
It’s worth your while to observe where your weaknesses are with completion.
(WomenLikeMe on Completion)

Completion relating to relationships refers to things such as wanting to say thanks to somebody but never getting around to doing it.  

Oh, how this aspect of completion struck a cord with me! It hit a nerve big time.

Not having done this particular completion has left me with huge regrets, which means there is definitely no harmony and a cluttered perturbed mind persists. It is amazing how incompletion can leave you feeling out of sink and how it keeps occupying your mind.
One thing I do regret is not saying the things I would have liked to, when I went to Holland to visit my dying mother for the last time.
I totally lacked knowledge around completion and thus missed the chance to say everything I so dearly wanted to, in order to complete with my mother and say goodbye.
All I was capable of at that time was to deny that she was dying.
We were all pretending and it was business as usual. As this was the case I didn’t say things that in hindsight I would have loved to say.

I loved my Mom.
She was awesome and when I was young we had great times together. When I was older I got caught up in my own world and I connected less and less with her.
But I knew that she was available at any time, ready and waiting for me. Whenever I needed her she was always there, never complaining about wanting to see more of me or wanting me to act differently.

When she died I regretted that I never really said ‘thanks’ to her for being so unconditionally loving. I would have loved to say how I appreciated her for not complaining that I moved to New Zealand. I knew that she hated that I lived so far away and I knew that she struggled with not being able to see her grand children. But she never said a word and that was amazing.
I wished I had said to her that she was the best Mom in the world and yet I said nothing of the kind.
I would have loved her to know that her knitting kept us all warm in winter and how her little habits were now mine too.
I would have liked to say sorry for all the times I felt that she was so stuck in her ways, while all she did was follow a system that made her large busy household run smoothly while still finding time for herself.
I regret not telling her to her face how much I loved having her as my Mom and that I will always remember the fun we had on our walks together.
Having been able to tell her all this, to pour out my love to her would have been priceless. And because I did not know about completion we both missed out on precious moments.

With her passing I was left with all these regrets about what was unsaid and undone.
These incomplete regrets hung around for a long time and it took some doing for me to complete with my mother and to forgive myself for not being more open by showing my feelings and love for her.

Death in particular, poignantly shows our lack of skill with completion.
We let things linger, unsaid, until it is too late.
Instead it is said at our funerals.
What if people actually said the things they’d say at our funeral, to us while we are still alive rather than when when we are dead?
Would we all feel differently; in harmony with ourselves and others?
And how would we grieve, peacefully rather than with regret?

Recently I saw that completion does make a difference.
I noticed the harmony and peace it brings when you say and do what is on your mind before it is too late.
A few months ago I witnessed John completing with his father.
John’s father is still alive but being in his eighties John realized it was time to get into action with acknowledging his father.
He asked himself the question ‘If I was to attend my father’s funeral at this very moment what would I regret not having said to him or done for him’.
What came up for John was that he sincerely wanted to thank his father for all that he had done, that he wanted to take him tramping in the mountains once more, something that his father had wanted one last time. He also wanted to ask him a single question, one that has been on John’s mind, one that had never been asked.
That question being, had his Dad had ever met with his birth father.
That was it.
So John took his father on the trip to the mountains and during that time John acknowledged his Dad, expressed his love for him and thanked him for being his father. He also asked his question.

Completing with people is of course not limited to elderly parents.
Whenever people or relationships are occupying our mind there is something incomplete that requires action.
It is the ‘lack of follow up on that pre-occupation of the mind’ that will eventually cause things to fester resulting in regrets that drive harmony and peacefulness out of the window.
The value and beneficial consequences of the skill of completion are huge and I love the sense of lightness and peacefulness that completing creates.

Completion! I am wrapping the presents and deliver them in the weekend.

“The concept of ‘completion’ can seem disarmingly simple, but for all its obviousness it is rarely well practiced.
This is to our detriment as not only does completion achieve the obvious of getting things done and done well, but it brings harmony to our lives, better relationships and a feeling of being in control and the master of our destiny.
Completion is both a habit and a skill that has far reaching beneficial consequences.”
(WomenLikeMe on Time and Completion)

Oh don’t I know it.
I am not a completion machine and I am becoming aware that I am missing out on the benefits, big time. In some areas, it’s obvious that I am not highly productive, as I do not experience steady results that satisfy.

My resistance to doing completions has me do drama and upset instead, has me deliver mucky results AND on my very, very bad days I even blame others in the process.

All in all NOT a very good look. On a recent very bad day I nearly blamed my eldest daughter and her love of presents for my completion breakdown, as I didn’t have a present for her on the actual day of her birthday.
Fortunately I caught myself and stopped this train of thought right there and then.
It had nothing to do with her.
I know she loves presents and of course I know when her birthday is.
Armed with these important factors I could have easily delivered a present to her on the day leaving us both feeling prosperous.
But this didn’t happen and as a consequence I did feel bad about myself and the whole birthday episode.  Hmm.

So how come I didn’t have a present?
Because I mucked up as a consequence of resisting completion.

I also noticed that I had to resist the urge to launch into a drama story to defend myself on why I could not get a present to her on time. This is something I would normally do.
With charm I would dilute the consequences of my muck ups and sometimes I would twist it in such a way that I even came out of the whole situation smelling of roses and the other party would end up taking the blame.
Oh, life has taught me some crafty tricks all right.
While these tricks worked most of the time, I must admit that they didn’t leave me with feelings of self respect, harmony or confidence. Nor did I feel like a master of my own destiny.

This was all before I understood the power of completion.
Now I am able to observe what’s happening and I am learning how to take corrective actions.

What happened was this.
I know my daughter loves presents so I always pay attention when she mentions that she wants something.
Not so long ago she lived in a very small apartment and she often went without things, as she didn’t have the space for them.
One day she told me that somebody had given her flowers and that she didn’t have a vase to put them in.
I cleverly stored this information for later on when she would move into a bigger apartment.
Shortly after this she rang to tell me she had found a bigger flat and the move would be a few weeks before her birthday.
Well, that was perfect timing on her part.
I had an idea for a present AND I could buy it as she now had a place to put it.

All I needed to do was to action the thought, buy a vase and I would be sweet.

But it was not to be and the whole thing around her birthday present came crashing down with all the mental agony of guilt and self blame to boot.
And all because I did NOT take action. I did not buy her a vase when I was in town doing my errands and grocery shopping.
I got into trouble because I did NOT complete on the thought when I was in town and had the opportunity to.
I could have gone into one more shop to buy that thing and had it all sorted.
But no, I gave in to my resistance to shop.
I gave in to my desire to go home as soon as I could and to skip that last item on my shopping list.
I resisted to that one more step and hoped that I’d get away with it. I put it in the ‘I’ll do it later’ basket.
And somehow when I resist ’doing things now’ and resort to doing them later, I always seem to get into trouble.

. . . Because later never comes.

On the day of my daughter’s birthday we had planned to go to lunch.
Great! That would leave me the morning to drive the 2 hours to town, pick up the vase, wrap it and be ready. Phew! Saved at the last minute.
Not quite!
What happened was that the day before Ann-Marie asked if we could change our Skype meeting to the next day and I said ”Yes” instead of “No, I have to buy a birthday present” and as a result I got myself well and truly into trouble.
I told myself that I would still have a small window of opportunity if everything worked in my favor, such as traffic and an empty shop but when my daughter rang to ask if we could have an early lunch I was dead in the water; my chance was gone.

This whole string of events left me high and dry with no satisfying result and certainly no harmony.
I felt horrible about the whole thing AND I had to clean it up with my daughter.
And how to do that?
Do I say that her mother was slack for not having a present even though she knows how much her daughter loves presents?
Oh, all the agony and ill feeling for simply not completing a shopping trip! Arggh.

I cannot but say that indeed “Completion is both a habit and a skill and when well practiced has far reaching beneficial consequences”.