Your comments, especially Tess, Peggy and Mark all echoed Jannie Funster’s assertion that;

The ego and love and intimacy do not mix.

Which begs the question; if they do not mix then one must go, which is it to be? I love to vote for the ego to go, but it seems that currently ‘love and intimacy’ is on the outer. Aysel noticed this and has questions too;

why is it that intimacy is such a taboo with people close to us… Why I would rather share my intimate thoughts with strangers as I do through blogging, then with my mom?

While Aysel didn’t answer her own question, she did go on to talk about her experiences of what happened when she took a risk and dared to be intimate;

I remember sharing a rather intimate thing with my friends – how little reaction did I get, how quickly they changed the subject… I was shocked and disappointed.

We probably can all remember instances where we plucked up courage to share intimately to be dismissed one way or another by those very people we consider to be closest to us.
BTW if we pay further attention then the very fact that we need courage to share intimately deserves a questions mark too, doesn’t it?

Evita looked at what happens with blogging where we get to say whatever we wish, often intimately, to the whole world, strangers and family alike and how it is no problem for strangers but does have consequences with close family;

one day when my mom did decide to go on the site and read, it lead to a very unpleasant situation to say the least. I won’t explain, but what I am saying is I totally understand this particular “fear” or better put “cautiousness” that we have when we lay it all out. On the site, I get to be really honest, really me and say what it is that is within my heart or mind. Our closest ones do not always realize that part of us, as they see us through their often “Ego-based” lens.

Yes, it shows that currently sharing intimately does have consequences. One of those consequences is that ‘ego-based’ lenses are going to react to our love and intimacy. Courage is indeed needed because we all have experienced that there is no avoiding the consequences when we do go ahead and be love-in-action, when we do dare to share intimately.

As for Aysel’s question; “why is it that intimacy is such a taboo with people close to us?” My answer is; everybody is avoiding living a life rich with consequences. I for one would have been afraid of what I would unleash when I told the emperor that (s)he has no clothes on. People have been burnt at the stake for being love-in-action and while not literally any more, certainly still figuratively in other ways.

It is clear what Evita is choosing;

Today however, I am not afraid anymore. When I write I realize that I am making myself open and at the same time vulnerable to those I know and strangers. People are free to make what they choose of my writing and what I have to say, and I have to, or better yet I choose to be okay with that.

What do you choose?

To let your ego-based thoughts dominate and do your best to avoid consequences or go for love and intimacy and all the consequences that unleashes?

BTW intimacy is NOT sharing MY opinion willy nilly, intimacy for me starts with observing and sharing with great honesty the wholesome ‘what is so’, my own in particular. 

This wonderful intimacy is soon to be rejected by ego.

My brother recently confessed that he ‘secretly‘ reads my blog?! 
WHAT?!  However I ’secretly’ thought straight away; “O hell, did I write anything compromising?”
WHAT?!
NO wonder that our closest friends and family do NOT read our blogs, when it solicits these reactions. I panicked and my brother obviously felt as if he has done a dirty deed AND that when nobody did anything wrong. Having got over my first fright I love having my brother read my blog; “hi Peter, I love seeing you here!”
But what was going on?

What went on is the result of the fact that the ego hates intimacy and resists it at all cost. THAT was what happened.

I’d say the ego is doing that for a good reason though. 
Intimacy is Love-in-action.
Love makes you pay attention, love has you being present to whom is in front of you and the ego knows that intimacy means someone is getting too close for comfort.

The ego knows it is in danger of having its cover blown, having its underlying selfish, dishonest agenda exposed and therefore the ego resists love and intimacy.

It is quite obvious when you honestly observe what is going on. When you really are Love and pay attention you cannot help but notice a whole lot of things about people.
The issue is that the ego is NOT comfortable with that at all, the ego does not want to expose anything to anybody. Neither can the receiving ego cope with what is revealed. 
Lisa, Mommymystic mentioned it in one of her comments; we feel vulnerable when honest observing comes into play and I agree.

As Love goes beyond the ego’s facade, the ego will feel attacked and will attack back or go into defense; being lovable is the last thing it wants to be; it becomes nasty and in doing that love and intimacy is being rejected.

One of my daughter’s ego is currently smelling a rat and is therefore resisting my love and my being intimate with her.

Her ego has got it sussed.  She landed an amazing job and is now on a seven year journey to qualify to the highest level after already 3 university degrees. Her ego is very proud of what she has done so far and that she will become a very wealthy and powerful woman in her field. Her mother is very proud too and yet not totally fooled by her success. Yes, she is an amazing clever young woman, yes she has achieved something amazing but where is her ‘life’?
I love her, so I observe her and see beyond the ego. Instead of happiness I hear in her conversations the underlying boredom now that the challenge is gone and only one long straight road ahead is left.  I let her talk and listen beyond her pretenses. I hear that deep down she feels stuck and confined but there is no way she is going to openly say that.
Instead she is stroppy and easily irritated. I do not take this personally and do my best to keep my ego out of it.
Here is my proud daughter who has done amazing things to get where she is and now her success has become her prison. She cannot see her way out, seven years of study is a long time and what her heart-centered self wants is to explore the world now.
She longs to travel, she aches to play and yet she locked herself in.

My Love observes; this is very serious, she is on the road to become an empty albeit wealthy shell; blow that damn career.

I phone her, gently proposing some immediate adventures to give her some sense of fun back. 
One weekend we have a great time swimming and walking. She talks about her jealousy when yet another friend moves overseas. I talk about more adventures together and her having a holiday in Nepal or Jordan. I even dare to mention she could take longer to get qualified. Seven years is the minimum but nobody says you have to do it in that time. You can take 30 years, nobody would care.  But her ego does care, it wants to achieve qualification in record time.
After my casually proposing more adventures, she withdraws, gets irritable and unlovable.  It is time for me to go. Love and intimacy nicely thwarted by ego.

She loves kayaking; I do not give up, after some weeks I say; “let’s go kayaking.” She reacts enthusiastically and I give her a membership to a kayak club. 
I email her to make a time to use that membership but I get fobbed off. When I phone I get the brunt of a foul mood. She apologizes later and yet, I am not allowed near, no she has no time to do fun things .
I am being kept at arm lengths as her ego knows that I am not impressed with its agenda that prevents my daughter to have a life.

I am not fazed now I know what is going on. I am not pushing, I am listening and supporting her as much as I can on her terms BUT I am not getting fooled by her OR my ego. 
My ego wants to feel hurt, my ego wants to make it a drama that I can not come close. 
My heart-centered self is patient, it is not about forcing her to see it my way, it waits and when she is ready I am there.
In the meantime I am gently letting her know that I am hearing all she is saying without judgment and expectations. I let her know she is safe, despite the fact that her ego justifiably feels my company is dangerous. 
I am Love-in-action by paying attention. I am carefully observing and biding my time that will come BUT the ego is no longer able to fool me.

I recently observed it in my brother’s comment and I observed it with my daughter; the ego and love and intimacy do NOT mix.

John being Love-in-action because I am lovable of course.

What a glorious  abundant love-in-action flowed from your comments on this Monday’s post; Are we lovable enough to attract love?
I absolutely adored the level of honesty that shone through in your comments. It is only through honesty that we get closer to the wholesome ‘what is so’ of our lives. Your honesty is such a loving contribution as we all get a chance to reflect on our own wholesome  ’what is so’ when we read each other’s comments.

In particular I’m acknowledging the honesty of Dorothy and Joyce who echoed Michaele’s observation of how difficult it is to be love-in-action;

it can be hard to remember in the thick of things… and easy to forget.. and sometimes I find myself wondering how to *be* love-able in my current situation.

The honesty didn’t stop there as Tess shared;

as soon as I’m off kilter I find myself attacking hubs for no reason at all.

With Chris Edgar following up with a telling observation of human beings;

yes, it’s odd how the ones we’re in relationship with tend to be, paradoxically, the ones who get the most of our anger and defensiveness — even more weirdly, because they’ve helped us to feel safe enough with them to release those parts. Being human gets more odd each time I think about it.

Yes Chris, being human can seem very odd but we can thank Megan Bord for an useful insight into all this oddness;

“Maybe it’s not a matter of ‘you are’ or ‘you aren’t.’ We imprison ourselves with our dualistic viewpoints — things are either black or they’re white, we’re loving ourselves or we’re not… Maybe you’re always loving yourself, but because you’ve trained your mind to believe that love looks a certain way, you don’t recognize it when you’re doing it.”

That’s when it all came together for me, and I could see how “in my head” I’ve been for the last two months.

When I’m in my head, ego’s running around like a bratty child, wreaking havoc and wearing me out. I think that love’s abandoned me, or I’ve abandoned it. I try in vain to analyze how to love myself — as if it’s a step by step formula I could adhere to, which would magically make everything in life better.

But what if I softened my gaze a bit, and changed my perspective and started to FEEL that since I am made of love, everything I do is an act of loving myself? Love is what’s at my core — what’s bubbling beneath the surface at all times. I just choose to cover it up with mind games, judgments, resistance (ohhhh, resistance!), when all it ever takes is surrendering back to my most natural state in order for love to shine through again.

… Much gratitude, as I practice surrendering, and affirming that I AM ALWAYS LOVING MYSELF!

Thank you Megan for stating it so clearly. I too are getting to understand that it is our ego and its limiting preference to see things as black and white that is the culprit for us being such ‘odd’ human beings.

There was a recurring theme in your comments that it is firstly and always a case of loving ourselves;

Peggy said; I understood that in order for me to be loved, really loved the way I wanted to be loved that I had to love myself just like that FIRST.
Michaele said; I knew that taking care of myself would be the best long-term strategy.
SuZen said; If I truly do love myself, it gives me nothing but love to give out – and I love that!

Megan was not the only one to bring up the issue of ‘ego’ and love. The Exception’s perspective is;

the way people view it [love] and treat it as if it is territory or possession or something that has strings and locks and keys…

love… so simple and yet so full of nuances and depth because it is filtered and often defined by the ego and individual experiences.

I’d go a step further and suggest that when love is “territory or possession or something that has strings and locks and keys’ it is NOT love at all but 100% ego at work, anchoring its needs rather than being and doing love.

Mark’s observation regarding love and ego states;

This should be easy because love is our core being. The reason it appears to be difficult is because we have hidden our core being beneath layers of ego.

Aysel has the measure of an ego-centric self;

I know now that despite living in this imperfect world, I want and I can be lovable. I don’t want to go backwards to being a demanding, selfish, ego-centric woman, because that’s when I stop being lovable – I simply cannot love myself when I am that way.

As does The Exception;

It is when we stop, open ourselves, and allow our loving selves to shine that we have a more accurate read on the situation or we realize that it isn’t about us as much as it is about something else.

When we are going beyond the ego and its tendency to only fulfill its personal needs, that is when we are ‘Do-ing love to be lovable’  and we are allowing ourselves to shine without having to think it is all about ME.
Only our ego needs to have it be all about me. Our heart-centered selves on the other hand can simply get on with what needs to be done while taking the wholesome ‘what is so’ for everybody into account and thus making all the acts lovable towards everybody, ourselves included!

In the end though it all starts with what Megan said; “I AM ALWAYS LOVING MYSELF!” but has my ego-self allowed me to notice?

Often the ego voice is louder and will not let you notice.   
Peggy and I are talking about that very issue on her (Step)mom’s Toolbox Radio Show and you can download it now to hear how the martyrdom myth feeds the ego and has nothing to do with being Love-in-action. Love yourself and have a listen to the show; get the measure of martyrdom and how it stops you from being lovable.

Tess what do you think of my hair? Honestly?

My heart sang with the honest sharing in this Monday’s post; ‘How I got to Honesty‘. YOU shine!
It sang to me because you too felt the need to be honest with yourself first and in particular with your feelings.

Chris Edgar gave a fine example of honesty by paying attention to what he is actually feeling;

the first and biggest step toward honesty for me has been actually paying attention to what I’m feeling, rather than what I’m “supposed” to feel in a given situation

He went on to say that feeling angry when being cut off while driving is a learned, ’supposed to have’ feeling, especially for males. Chris’ honesty had him realize that he did not feel anger and I’ll agree; not feeling angry does not take away maleness and it sure is time we all get that! Go Chris go.

Dorothy too saw the need to first get honest with her feelings;

At least, right now I am honest. Honest about my feelings, about my needs and desires …
At least being honest with myself about where I’m at helps me find ways of looking after myself and dealing with the situation.

Joy recognized that  she once came from a place of not being honest with herself;

I didn’t own my own space, or love myself as generously as I loved others.

While being honest with ourselves comes first, Jannie Funster picked up that there is another pattern amongst us;

my first marriage was full of dishonesty too … And wow, I’m the 4th woman here to speak about dishonesty in the first marriage.

Oh Jannie, isn’t it good to know we were not the only ones and at the same time how come we all fell into the same trap??????The stage upon which honesty plays out for many of us  is our primary relationship. For example Angelia Sims shared her example and learnings;

I spent many years being dishonest with myself in my second marriage. Cowering and not rocking the boat, or standing up for myself. Now I have to honestly be glad that it taught me to truly know my feelings and be able to be honest and true with Jason. I am not afraid any more. I don’t have to be. There is nothing wrong with how I feel and I no longer have a fear that being honest will cause him to dislike me.

I think Angelia’s observation; “and I no longer have a fear that being honest will cause him to dislike me” says a lot for what is possible and desirable in honesty filled relationships. We can, like Angelia give thanks that past dealings with dishonesty have taught us to; “truly know my feelings and be able to be honest and true.”

Lisa (mommy mystic) too sees that honesty hangs out for many of us in our marriages;

Learning to be more honest has been a big theme for me too, especially in marriage. That is where it all hangs out for many of us, isn’t it? I think a key component for me in particular has been not being afraid of being vulnerable. When we are honest, and not living in a ‘role’, there is a deep vulnerability, and that is scary at first. So honesty and vulnerability are two very big working points for me right now in relationship … we have to be willing to be brutally self-honest and vulnerable.

Thanks Lisa for bringing up the question of vulnerability when we are being honest.
Are we prepared to be vulnerable? If you ask our ego, the answer is a loud and resounding “NO” and yet getting beyond our ego is a prerequisite for being honest. Once we get beyond our ego and reside within our heart-centered self, we can be vulnerable. Coming from love we can be vulnerable, as love has nothing to defend. Love cannot be attacked or hurt. Love is not vulnerable to attack, only the ego is.

Belinda Munoz shared the confusion that comes up when our egos are faced with honesty;

Honesty is an intimidating thing for many. There’s the factor of getting hurt or hurting someone. There’s the issue of appearing out-of-character if someone has waited too long to tell the truth about a specific matter. There’s the question of not knowing what happens next after letting the cat out of the bag.

Egos are intimidated by honesty, they do get hurt and definitely worry about what happens next after letting the cat out of the bag. Honesty is very dangerous to egos.

As we live in the land of egos, it is no surprise that we live in a fundamentally dishonest world and this has lots of consequences. It looks like Tess the Bold One got to experience plenty of those consequences from her comment;

I was in trouble until I was 40 for my honesty.

We probably can all identify with Tess and the trouble that comes our way when we are being honest with egos. They don’t like it, feel attacked by our honesty and defend themselves vigorously or attack back. No wonder Tess added gentleness to her honesty, however Tess, you did keep it going for a while. That says something about your boldness alright, in the past honest women got burnt, remember?

Another interesting pattern that came from the comments is how much we have contributed to dishonesty with our and our parents well meaning lessons on how to survive in life.  SuZen was taught;

My mom always said “If you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all!” It could be that message that had me stuffing my true feelings (and honesty) for decades. I know what she meant tho, and I did the same thing with my daughter.

Joy learned to survive this dishonest world;

there was a time when it mattered to me to ‘fit in’ with those around me.

Dorothy still has these issues in knowing what is best for her children;

I’m still torn about being honest with my children. Are they capable of dealing with adult grief and anger? Does it really help them deal with their own? Still, as much as I try, I cannot “be strong” for them. The more I try, the more I fail. But I wonder at what cost will this honesty come for them…

Being honest is not easy, we do not live in an honest world and there are lots of consequences to as Lisa put it; “willing to be brutally self-honest and vulnerable.”

The good news is that there are lots of benefits too from honesty;

Belinda said; The truth can be liberating. Hiding the truth never is.
Jannie said; I think that honesty is actually coming more to light as we evolve, so I am encouraged that we are progressing, and not actually getting more dishonest as a race.
Angelia said; It is empowering.
Peggy said; I’m happier and those around me are happier

The other good news is that we are seeing our way out of this dishonest world, we are building a new image to live into and in Heaven on Earth dishonesty clearly has no place.
For me, becoming honest no longer has fear attached to it, it is a skill I need in order to migrate with like I needed to learn English to migrate to New Zealand. THAT makes me committed to learn behavior and a way of thinking that has its foundation in honesty and love. I have noticed that all this sits very well with me, I am loving myself and therefore others more and more and that feels mighty good.

Their ego-thoughts are not preventing them from loving the piano. Not yet anyway.

As always many thanks to everyone who commented on the Monday post; ‘What are your issues with migrating to Heaven on Earth?’
It is a challenging post.
It is one thing to read about ‘Heaven on Earth’ in spiritual texts but it is quite different to actually aspire taking such a huge step in daily life.

And as for migrating there, well Angelia Sims was honest enough to say what was so for her;

I haven’t really stepped out of my southern Oklahoma/Texas culture comfort zone.

And then she went on to say what else was so, with stepping out of her comfort zone;

But I have had to really adjust at my new/old job… The ego definitely takes a beating.

But it also makes me perfect for this job, because I keep my calm and my ego in check.

Congratulations Angelia, because a job like this is a great training ground for moving on from your ego. Moving on from ego type thoughts requires a lot of practice and we need to take every opportunity we can get.
Go Angelia go.

Jan Lundy on the other hand has migrated and assimilated to Heaven on Earth and sees it this way;

A heaven, a hell, a little miserable clod of complaints, or pure gratitude for being here. It is how we choose to be and see and live….

Joy and Maryse too are clear that they are migrants to Heaven on Earth.

There is a prevailing and understandable confusion about the ego and where it fits into the scheme of things. Maryse brought this confusion to light with her comment;

I’m a migrant … to Ego-less land. I’m going to point [out] here that I do not take the ‘less’ as ‘absence of’ but as ‘not as much of’. I believe that my ego is here for a reason… In an ideal scenario, as I’m migrating to that new land, it’s with me to help me handle life as it comes. It keeps me organized and alert while I flow and co-create. Like we have two brain hemispheres (the left for human doings and the right for spiritual being), we have Love/God as our driver and the ego as the navigator. But migrating we must. Because an Ego driven life of control is not only exhausting, it’s doomed to fill us with stress, dread, and fear. So I’m joining the bus to Heaven on Earth.

There is general agreement that we have an ego, or ‘ego-thoughts’ as I prefer to call them and as Maryse says; “an Ego driven life of control is not only exhausting, it’s doomed to fill us with stress, dread, and fear.”

We are also in agreement that a life filled with stress, dread and fear is not what we want.

However like Maryse, many of us have great difficulty in imagining a world completely without ego-thoughts. It is hard for us to imagine a world where the word ‘ego’ relates to an extinct civilization where ‘ego-thoughts’ were once prevalent. This is especially difficult for us to imagine because for most of us, our Little Voice is our ego; it is part of us and therefore hard to have it disappear.
Its survival is the egos only concern. The ego is very well established in our mind and very  cunning; it has all of our intellect at its disposal, so it has many ways of retelling the story to keep itself alive and keep its seat on the bus. Maryse very astutely noticed that her ego for example is even claiming the navigator’s seat in her mind. Yours too will want a seat on the bus to Heaven, even if it is a small hard-to-see seat at the back of the bus and your mind, but it still wants a seat and it’s not going to let you get on that bus alone if it can possibly help it.

Argue as the ego may, the logic of the situation is against the ego. Heaven on Earth is a place of Love, it knows no fear. As Jan says; it is a land of pure gratitude. In a land of Love there is no place for ego.

Life without our so called ego is possible; it did exist once and will exist again. The challenge for each of us is to be clear about that.
Our so called ‘ego’ must go. Just like you can’t be half pregnant, you can’t live in Heaven on Earth with a little bit of the old ego thought pattern hanging around. One excludes the other.

I agree that this takes some doing, as for most of us the ego thought pattern is firmly in control.
This journey to Heaven on Earth (without our ego) is not something we can achieve alone. As Joy says;

I am actually surrounded by these new inhabitants, some of whom are trying to welcome me with open arms, but I had no idea until this moment…because I *was using* my old vision finders…

We at WomenLikeMe are welcoming you with open arms; however if you look with your ‘ego’ vision finders you will not see us.
WomenLikeMe is fatal to the ‘ego’ and ‘it’ knows that.