Wilma on Stop the Interruptions!

Birds hate interruptions too. John will you leave them alone!

Your comments to this week’s post; ‘Interrupted thinking creates half-baked Me’ certainly deepened my thinking about this epidemic of constant daily interruptions.

I want to start by emphasizing that interruptions of themselves are not inherently bad, a modest amount of interruptions are great and a fact of life. This is not the issue at all. The issue is the constant stream of them and our lack of vigilance in recognizing the insidious consequences to our quality of life and quality thinking because of constant interruptions.

So what is the cost of lots of interruptions?

Ann-Marie on The Third Person in our Relationships

Aligned relationships keep the Ego in check!

This week’s post explained the difference between aligned and parallel relationships.

From Wilma’s sharing we could see how being aligned with our loved one achieves wonderful results, almost effortlessly.

There is flow; problems still arise however they are dealt with in a constructive, productive way that supports each person.

We may indeed be causing results in our relationships but the point to note here is; how are we going about creating these results?
Are we aware that there is a third person, the Ego, lurking around in the foreground of our relationship and are we aware of how much turmoil and upset the Ego wreaks.

Parallel versus aligned relationships and the difference it makes.

Oh man, to deal with this malfunctioning compost toilet, lovingly and manually is a miracle.

Learning to see a wholesome ‘what is so’ has been extremely valuable for Ann-Marie and me and from the comments, I can see that has been the case for some of you as well.

It sure showed up the flaws in my previous relationship and how unaligned we were.

We were just two egos marching alongside each other, seemingly together on the same path and going for the same outcome.
NOT.

‘What was so’ was that we had a parallel relationship.  
While, we loved each other, it was conditional on behaving a certain way, on fitting into our respective perspective of what constitutes a ‘good’ partner and when that was not the case, we lost interest and started to complain about each other. In hindsight our conversations were repetitive, covering the same safe things over and over again and we preferred to talk about other people rather than exploring intimate topics such as ourselves, our dreams, sex, finance and child rearing.

‘What is so’ in relationships.

What is so? Who is trusting whom?

In last week’s posts I wrote how once Ann-Marie accepted ‘what was so’ with her two year old daughter Molly not sleeping on Monday afternoon, she had access to thinking and doing things differently.

There is more to this ‘accepting’ business than just accepting how things appear in the first instance.

There is a vast difference between first ‘appearances’ coming from a very limited perspective and ‘what is so’ coming from a more whole and connected place, especially when it comes to relationships.

When we think or talk about our relationships, we describe them in a certain way, we describe them as they appear to us through our so called colored glasses. How our relationships ‘appear’ to us is of course often not the ‘what is so’ for the other party when you come from a wholeness point of view.

Accepting how things appear is not going to give us access to thinking and doing things differently; all THAT is doing is giving us more of the same or resignation.
The greater level of ‘acceptance’ is not a case of accepting appearances, but going to a place of wholeness about ‘what is so’.

Ann-Marie and I learned from this experience that wholesome acceptance needs to be preceded by finding out what is the ‘what is so’ to accept in the first place.
And finding ‘what is so’ is a skill that we rarely think to develop, especially when it comes to seeing what is going on in our relationships.
Our lack of skill has us easily miss ‘what is so’ and have us miss the starting point which will allow us to think and do things differently, that will allow us to develop heart centered team play that has us fly in relationships.

A whole new world, a whole new community.

My sister's grandchildren. May they keep being the change we seek.

Be the change you want to see.

So what is stopping us from ending the gruesome wars, world hunger and pollution?

Marianne Williamson keeps saying we are not trying hard enough to be the change that we seek.

I agree and I would like to add that we actually haven’t a clue how to be the change that we want to see and that we are not looking hard enough either.

Deep in my heart I know that I am extremely ineffective to create the change that I seek.
Because to create it I need to learn a very basic life skill and that is to get on with people in my own little world in a way that eliminates hunger, pollutions and fights in my own world.

We are the problem; is my own little world not a reflection of the bigger world?
I fight, I too am hungry for love and attention and we all pollute each others mental state.

Ann-Marie on Answering questions truthfully

Hi everyone. Thanks so much for sharing your observations and experiences with asking questions in response to Wilma’s post this week.

It was so cool to read that Peggy, armed with her questions was off to do a radio interview with her husband’s ex-wife, to talk about the relationship between ex-wives and step moms. A very real example of intimacy being present rather than distance. Wouldn’t it be great if all ex-relationships were like yours Peggy!

I noticed that several of your comments gave Wilma suggestions on how to improve her relationship with John’s parents. And with the exception of Megan, no one actually asked Wilma any questions to further their understanding of the situation. Questions like; what did you do about it, do they know you better now, is it still a problem???
Huummm.

Questions, the doors to our hearts.

John built this boat by asking questions.

When I first met John’s parents I expected at least some questions.
But I got none.

Not getting a single question made me feel really uneasy; it made me feel unwelcome, as if they did not care about me, as if I did not count.

Of course they cared but the fact that they never asked anything made it very hard for me to give them some information about the woman their son was living with.

How do you volunteer information about yourself when not invited by questions?
Thus they got to know very little about me.
So how can they relate to me when I am virtually a stranger to them?
How can we create any intimacy and personal relatedness when there is nothing to talk about other than the weather and the color of the blooming bougainvillea?  

Ann-Marie on Listening that Makes a Difference

Hi everyone. Thanks for your thoughts on listening in response to Wilma’s post this week. It looks like Wilma has opened up a topic that has some interesting contradictions and many layers to peel back.

We listen every day, many of us are trained at it and do it for our work and yet Tess said similar to Joy who shared that; “only one person in my own life has been an active listener.”
Zeenat went on to say; “I’m still searching for that great listener.”

I’d love to hear more examples of how listening has made such a difference that, as Tess says, these people stand out “head and shoulders above the rest.” In these sharings of how listening has made a difference, we can be inspired by what is possible for all of us.

Robin, thank you for sharing how listening makes a difference for you. Your words revealed something that I’d never thought was possible:

Accessing the wealth that has me BE a wealthy base camp.

John making me a wealthy base camp by lovingly making me a beautiful wooden kitchen bench.

I loved that the post, I am base camp resonated so strongly with so many of you who have read it.

And given the comments from some of you on your own reluctance to look after yourself, it certainly looks like I am not alone here.

Isn’t it amazing that when you look at yourself in a different light and see yourself as a structure, see yourself as base camp, how this reluctance just doesn’t make sense anymore?

It all of a sudden seems ludicrous NOT to look after yourself, NOT to keep base camp well maintained and prosperous, especially when you can see that the expedition called your life totally depends on it.

I can talk about the good life, spirituality and enjoying myself until the cows come home but that’s all just ‘hot air’ if I DON’T keep ME in great shape.

The benefits of doing completion.

Completion! I am wrapping the presents and deliver them in the weekend.

“The concept of ‘completion’ can seem disarmingly simple, but for all its obviousness it is rarely well practiced.
This is to our detriment as not only does completion achieve the obvious of getting things done and done well, but it brings harmony to our lives, better relationships and a feeling of being in control and the master of our destiny.
Completion is both a habit and a skill that has far reaching beneficial consequences.”
(WomenLikeMe on Time and Completion)

Oh don’t I know it.
I am not a completion machine and I am becoming aware that I am missing out on the benefits, big time. 

My daughter, my heart and that little voice of mine.

My corporate daughter wants a dose of her Mom. She asked me to come visit her for a long weekend and then gave me an extensive list of what home cooked meals she wanted me to bring along. However after placing her food order she did stress that it was not all about filling up her empty freezer. I didn’t have to bring anything with me; just seeing me was really what she wanted. Oh, how that made my heart melt.

Another special time together, Halong Bay, Vietnam.

Just hearing ”Mom, I want to see you” made my heart leap up in the air and I immediately started to dream up what fun we could have.
Special mother/daughter times are so precious.

Exciting and tough; this learning to play a totally different game.

. I have been hard on myself. I honestly could not figure out why it took so much effort to come to grips with this new way of living. After all, it seemed to be such a no brainer; replace a fear filled, limited life with a joyful life that I would absolutely adore. However I omitted to realize the vast scale of this turnaround that I am asking of myself, my mind and my heart.

Learning a new skill in a new game, walking besides the rice paddies and yes I did slip.

I got to see that it does not serve me to underestimate how big the change is when you choose to live from love instead of fear.
I never knew how big this step was.
It is huge to change this complex life coming from force and overwhelm into a simple life in which I peacefully come from love.
My biggest fear was that simple meant boring and that I would lose out on exciting things.
Now simple carries a different meaning and stands for having an extraordinary life operating from love, knowing there is always enough and being proud of who I am.