In Vietnam I did see collaboration, the ego had no choice.
Full of expectations, we marry, we work in teams, we build partnership and yet we fail in most of them.
Oh it might not look like we failed; most of us present well and sure know how to look good.
But underneath the surface we are either; martyrs, manipulators, whiners, complainers or passive aggressors, in short we are often unhappy people feeling lonely, because we never learned to collaborate.
Over ten years ago, I looked fine too.
But when you lifted the veil of my charming successful veneer, you could see a different Wilma.
I was a complainer, working in a job I learned to hate.
I had chosen to be rather stuck with the devil I knew, than leave a marriage we were both very unhappy in.
In the end I could have died as stupid as I had become.
I paint a totally different picture of my current life since I have learned to collaborate with people who matter.
And belief you me, collaboration is a totally new ball game you and I have very seldom played.
I am not kidding; this is what the ‘urban dictionary’ has to say about collaboration;
An unnatural act practiced by nonconsenting adults. Worker A: We have no common interests, we don’t like each other, and it irritates us to work together. But we were told by management to engage in collaboration.
Worker B: What a waste of time.
Hmm, does this not resemble marriage and most families as well?
Going ocean sailing, I was expecting that Galley ...
But I got this one instead; "Is that so?!**"
This week on the Monday post; ‘Context is King; I still mind what happens’ I wrote that it is hard to accept ‘what is so’ when our context keeps throwing mud at us.
Belinda summarized well for us the issue of when we most get caught out with minding what happens;
Sure, I have said this but only with matters unimportant and only with people I don’t have a deep relationship with. But when it comes to people I love the most, it seems I’m less adept at determining what is and isn’t important. Not only does everything seem important, instead of saying “Is that so”, I’m more apt to be in defensive mode and say a litany of what is so.
I am going to miss these figs, there were enough for the birds and me.
When I woke up this morning my ego had me firmly in its grip. I was thinking about our next move, where we go from here now our house is sold. Will we be able to find land that has such a beautiful orchard as we have now, will we be close to a river with a swimming hole ever again?
Obviously I was NOT excitedly enjoying the present moment, I was not fearlessly dreaming up a wonderful future, so I grabbed Eckhart Tolle’s ‘A New Earth’ to anchor myself back into the ‘now’.
The book opened on the page about Krishnamurti sharing his secret; “I do not mind what happens.”
The next thing I read was about a Zen Master who after having been falsely accused of having fathered a child responded with; “is that so.”
I could see the beauty of being able to not mind what is happening to me, of saying; “is that so” and just let life take me wherever.
I would no longer be a victim of circumstances, my ex and my daughters would no longer upset me with their weird and wonderful ways.
I could be carefree and feeling confident because I could handle life whatever happened next.
Cool, no more worries, life adventures here I come and no time wasted on gloomy thoughts in my warm bed.
To tell you the truth, I recently thought I was getting pretty close to being as smart as those enlightened people. Not getting upset, only having good thoughts about the future, just taking each moment as it comes, not worrying about retirement funds; that was me lately, pretty good don’t you think?
The flow of fire wood; splitting wood from dead trees for the wood fires.
This Monday’s post; ‘Money and water, you can think shortage or abundance’ was all about ‘flow’. Water flows, money flows, energy flows, life flows; everything flows and it is a fundamental flaw of the ego to think in terms of ‘permanence’ and ‘fixedness’.
Fixed thoughts come in all shapes and sizes such as Patty’s example;
In the USA it’s what we’re taught: you can never have enough.
Coming from Holland and living in New Zealand, I’d add that fixed thoughts are not limited to the USA.
Gail on the other hand has let go of her fixed money thoughts and the difference shows up in her results;
As I’ve loosened my grip on money, it’s begun to flow more.
Tess identified for us fixed thoughts around ‘need’;
So often we think we “need” to cut back, feel cheated and cause our own misery.
Money and water, you can think shortage or you can think abundance. John at our river doing abundance
We had a water shortage where we live in New Zealand. Very unusual, it always rains here especially in December when John and I go camping. But not this year now we are completely dependent on rain water and we were staying home!
For at least 6 months since November nada de nada, only a few drops here and there.
As I was not trained to worry about water, I did not worry.
But after 4 months when rain did not come I started to pay attention and became a bit more careful with water.
I shortened my showers, I rinsed the veggies less.
After yet another month of no rain though I changed from trusting water would always be there to being worried about water.
John on the other hand continued using water as he always had.
He never stopped watering the garden and he saved the citrus trees by giving them a good dousing of water until . . . one of the water tanks got empty.
That got me going; ‘how could he waste water like that, did he not know we were on tank water, I have been so careful and now what are we going to do?’
George still going strong, uplifting and willing to play, showing us his old tractor.
At the end of this Monday’s post; Does the way your talk destruct or create? I invited you to “Notice your own destructive talk when you complain, blame and also watch your tone of voice and your facial expression”. I also said “when you notice it, stop even in mid sentence and apologize.”
What did you notice?
Did you play along? Could you catch yourself, did you notice it at all?
Observing yourself in the midst of daily flurry and emotions is one of the hardest things to do.
Why is it so hard to notice and observe?
Because how we talk and react is automatic, it is how we have always done it and we know no other way.
So I invited you to notice something a little less tricky, to notice when another person talks to you in a way that is destructive.
But what about when people and the way they talk, lifts you up.
The kitchen renovation happened peacefully and joyfully as a result of our conversations.
John and I celebrated our 10th anniversary. It was good to acknowledge how great we are together. I give my advanced skills in creative conversation a lot of credit for allowing us to do so many wonderful things with so much peace and joy between us.
Conversations make or break how your life goes, conversations create!
I have recently had a chance to see how far I have come.
We have been selling our house again. We tried before and on the very day our house went on the market the whole economy collapsed. Nice! Recently we tried to sell it again.
I must admit that I was a bit apprehensive. I had to work hard to keep my troublesome Little Voice’s destructive conversations in rein. You can imagine our delight when the house sold within two weeks to two women who loved the house just as much as we did. We once again created a win/win result peacefully and joyfully.
Until a phone call from the solicitor.
There was a problem and the house was NOT yet sold unconditionally. Yikes.
THAT was when my calm bubble broke, panic struck and my Little Voice’s destructive conversation DID win.
My brother's granddaughter Tessa supporting a younger bridesmaid.
I have a dream. I dream that we women support each other’s self-care so we become strong basecamps. From being a strong basecamp we then can co-create a new earth where we joyfully embrace each and every day in peace and harmony.
In this Monday’s post; Let other women take care of your self-care, I shared an aspect of that dream which was the regular coming together as we once did at the village *well* to share and receive guidance for our daily troubles and challenges. I lamented that with no longer doing the laundry at the village *well* many of us have lost the intimate connection and shared wisdom that such frequent coming together provided. Instead we are tending to live isolated and distracted lives, with at best superficial connections happening at work and in social contexts.
On the other hand I was heartened to read in your comments that some of you do currently receive support in a variety of places. Belinda recognized that;
I am fortunate to have a strong circle of wise women in my work — women who are intuitively caring, nurturing, accepting and understanding. These wise women around me are like a balm for the figurative cuts and bruises that I sustain every now and then.
Thanks to support with my 'self care' I am now harvesting these pears AND my happiness.
Last week I talked on Peggy Nolan’s The Stepmom’s Toolbox Radio Show about martyrdom. I have included the link as all her and co-host Erin’s radio shows are available for downloads so you can still listen to them. That is a great win as they cover heaps of issues every woman struggles with.
What hit home afterwards was that we have become so isolated, so alone in our quest for a way out of our misery. It is sad to see how little support we are getting. We all seem to be yearning for guidance and wisdom from other women we love and trust to make sense of the things in life that do not seem to be right. Like never being acknowledged, not knowing where to put our love as it often gets thrown back into our faces or misused and last but not least we do not even know how to take care of ourselves.
Has it ever been different? Were there times when we had access to wise women who could help us out?
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