No matter what I have been told, I am NOT selfish, I AM base camp.

Growing up I always heard, ‘Don’t get too big for your boots, young lady’! ‘No, you are NOT the center of the Universe and you do not put yourself first. Don’t be selfish.’ And like everybody else, I too was constantly told what I could and could not do and nowhere was there any talk about ME looking after ME and finding out what I wanted. It actually was all about staying small and being told NOT to deviate from the behaviors I had been taught.

Now I am wised up, I demand breakfast in bed, wherever we are.

And I took all of it on board.

Sure why wouldn’t I have? It was dished out mostly by people who honestly loved me, so why would I not believe it.

But life is never that simple, is it?
A lot of what I’ve taken on board during my life is now showing up as extra ballast that is sinking the ‘ME’ in me.

Who Am I?

I’m traveling back to Ireland with my husband and daughter in a few weeks time to see my family. As the trip draws nearer I am thinking a lot about the impending reunion with my Mum, Dad and siblings. I haven’t seen them in a year and a half and while the length of time doesn’t seem that long so much has happened in my life since the last time I was home. I find myself asking the question “Will my family recognize me?” And I don’t mean my physical appearance, I am referring to the person that I am. Will they see ME?

With laptop in hand I am ready for my trip

I realize that they already have an opinion about me, one that they’ve probably had for years and years. ‘Bossy sister who thinks she knows it all’ is one that springs to mind.
I can hear past conversations now ‘Oh Ann-Marie you can’t start your own business, what do you know. Sounds like it would never work; typical you to get involved in something like this’

I was always easily influenced by what they said. I’d be immediately sucked in and begin to worry that they were right. Then I’d get defensive before finally being totally upset with the lot of them and feeling stupid for considering the opportunity in the first place.

My daughter, my heart and that little voice of mine.

My corporate daughter wants a dose of her Mom. She asked me to come visit her for a long weekend and then gave me an extensive list of what home cooked meals she wanted me to bring along. However after placing her food order she did stress that it was not all about filling up her empty freezer. I didn’t have to bring anything with me; just seeing me was really what she wanted. Oh, how that made my heart melt.

Another special time together, Halong Bay, Vietnam.

Just hearing ”Mom, I want to see you” made my heart leap up in the air and I immediately started to dream up what fun we could have.
Special mother/daughter times are so precious.

Exciting and tough; this learning to play a totally different game.

. I have been hard on myself. I honestly could not figure out why it took so much effort to come to grips with this new way of living. After all, it seemed to be such a no brainer; replace a fear filled, limited life with a joyful life that I would absolutely adore. However I omitted to realize the vast scale of this turnaround that I am asking of myself, my mind and my heart.

Learning a new skill in a new game, walking besides the rice paddies and yes I did slip.

I got to see that it does not serve me to underestimate how big the change is when you choose to live from love instead of fear.
I never knew how big this step was.
It is huge to change this complex life coming from force and overwhelm into a simple life in which I peacefully come from love.
My biggest fear was that simple meant boring and that I would lose out on exciting things.
Now simple carries a different meaning and stands for having an extraordinary life operating from love, knowing there is always enough and being proud of who I am.

The unknown got to me; what is next with our Garden of Eden?

. I am good most days, I really am. Most of the time I peacefully accept that there is an invisible bigger plan and that all I have to do is trust. It will all work out so long as I am doing my bit by being love in action. And then WHAMOO, out of the blue comes my mind, like a screaming banshee to shatter all this peace. Like it did this week.

Waiting for the next miracle.

For 2 whole days this screaming banshee of a mind would NOT shut up and its voice successfully jolted me out of my peaceful state.
What was the cause of this entire racket?
It suddenly realized that our time here in this glorious Garden of Eden might be coming to an end. The lease ends in September and we have no plans as to what to do next. Not yet anyway.
So all hell broke lose; my mind became totally consumed by the want to have a linear plan about what’s next.
It just wouldn’t stop.
It called me all sort of names; stupid, ignorant, a dreamer and it brought up every weak point that it could possibly find.
Most of all it completely went to town about miracles; it sure had a lot of negative things to say about that.

This tantrum took me completely by surprise, although I do know that the mind tends to do this when it feels insecure. All it seeks is reassurance that all is well and that I CAN perform miracles. Knowing this didn’t make it any less annoying though.
In the past this would have resulted in a number of weeks of upset, nagging John about what we were going to do. I now, thankfully have ammunition to overcome this mind attack on miracles and put it to bed, pronto!

How I dare to ignore the recession.

. I am sick of the world’s boom and bust way of operating and these stupid recessions. All this agony caused by selfish grabbing based only on ‘What’s in it for Me and forget about what happens to anybody else’. I am totally over accepting it as normal and over how it endangers my two daughters’ future.

Let's go for life and dare to live; like this sailing I did in the Southern Ocean on a replica of an ancient Pilot Cutter.

Just look at how this recession paralyzes everybody with fear and look at what it is also doing to us as a whole.
We have become fearful at work AND slaves to the money for goodness sake. Our personal greatness and indigenous power is constrained by our preoccupations with meager survival issues. Surely we can do better than that!

Marianne Williamson keeps stressing too, this is NOT us, this is not how we are meant to be living. We are powerful co-creators, capable of living magnificent lives; with a partner like God we don’t have to be restricted by fear or smallness, playing a game of just surviving.
With the mighty God in tow or with God leading the way, we should be in for the ride of our life and not on this piddly little path we are presently on.